To start this off with a cliche, you were a rollercoaster of a year.
There were moments when I felt so heartbreakingly alone that it created an aching, stabbing pain that radiated from my chest to every part of my body. There were times that I sobbed silently into my pillows, so confused and even more so tired of the world that seemed to bring me nothing but hurt. There are so many words, but none to describe the pure rage that burned through me every time I turned on the news. In the come-down of this fire, there was the gray smoke that left me feeling absolutely incapable, psyche so worn out that it couldn’t conjure up an emotion. Rejection made me believe I was unlovable, someone meant to be enjoyed and then tossed away in the morning. I didn’t understand how a year could be so painful when my only resolution had been to stop biting my nails (I still do that).
Yet.
I have felt more love in this year than I have in any other. I grew closer to my friends and spent my entire summer laughing and partying and trusting them. I solidified a support group that supported me as much as I did them, growing comfortable with the feeling of another person telling me that they cared, that they would listen, that they were there for me, that they believed me. I started the journey of feeling out in the open, allowing people to see me panic (they coached me through breathing), get angry (they validated me), express who I am (they respected me), be vulnerable (they wrapped their arms around me), set boundaries (they built the fences with me), talk about my passions (they listened, even if they didn’t understand), and doubt myself (they never let that last long). I had the best summer of my life, full of movie moments and an island adventure. I developed empathy and understanding and forgiveness while learning that those things do not have to be synonymous. I finally found my real friends that I believe will be with me for life, and I mean that this time.
I went to college and these feelings only doubled. I am finally living in a place where I can be myself without fear, existing without apology. I found people who are my friends because they want to be my friends, not because they want what I can give them. I didn’t know I could form such deep connections with other people in such a short amount of time, but I am certain that I would burn the world if it meant the happiness of any one of them. I hear my own thoughts echoed back, rarely feeling out of place and knowing that even if I am, I am never truly alone. These people have made me believe that I can be entirely myself and be loved for it, not in spite of it.
I can finally say with complete and utter certainty that I love myself. I see that I am capable of functioning even in a society that is so often against me. I recognize my talent and am unabashedly proud of myself for accomplishing what I always thought I never could. Spending time alone with myself is no longer something terrifying, but something to appreciate. I look out for myself, keeping me safe the best I can, knowing that a step backwards does not mean I can never step forward again. Everything I do, I do for me. My ambitions are my own. After so many years of not knowing who I am and molding myself to fit others expectations, I am finally in tune with me. I love my body, every single part of it. I am so beyond grateful that my body exists the way it does, serving me as I need it to. I love my body at any weight, whether I need to buy bigger pants or size down. This was the first year that I truly felt confident in my body at every stage of its being, feeling confident even when the world told me not to be.
If you wish to keep reading, I am going to describe a few moments from this year that made this year the best year of my life. This is for me, to remind myself of just how happy I am to be alive. If you don’t want to read this, skip to the last paragraph, but if you do, I’d love to take you on this journey with me.
I got to see Billie Eilish in concert! She is an artist that has shaped who I am, and I truly believe I would not be alive without her music. She carried me through some of my darkest moments and some of my happiness, and I am so grateful to have grown up with her.
I went to Arizona and learned how beautiful it is to feel small, connecting with the nature around me that is older than I can fathom, holding more history in a single pebble than any school textbook.
I taught dance to some amazing kiddos, and I became the figure that I always wanted growing up, developing a bond with each one of them. Seeing the dances I made for them come to fruition on stage was such a lovely experience, and seeing them cry knowing that I was going to college made me feel heartbroken and yet so, so loved.
I lost someone very close to me, and I like to think that I was able to provide comfort for her in the days before her passing. I was there for my family, being the rock they could lean on in the days after. She trusted me to be this.
I went dress-shopping for my high school graduation and tried on a dress that showed my stomach when it was round and soft. I looked in the mirror and actually smiled, giving love to that soft part of me that I wasn’t supposed to love, yet I did. It was not the dress I ended up with, but this memory shaped how I felt about myself in such a wonderful light, even if I was the only one who saw myself this way.
I graduated high-school, a moment that I often doubted I would ever reach. I do not miss the school, but I miss the teachers I loved so dearly. They were often there for me when nobody else was. Another memory that shaped me was one of the few times I ever cried in class, and my teacher coached me through breathing and took me outside, spending the entire period comforting me and telling me how proud of me she was. I didn’t know I could ever feel so secure before that moment and despite my tears and the hot panic pumping through me, it is one of my favorite moments of this year. Two of my friends were there for me too, only enhancing this feeling.
I had what is by far the best birthday of my life, ringing it in with the friends and family that I love.
College showed me what freedom is.
One night, all of my friends crowded into my small room and sat next to each other on our twin beds or on the floor, working on homework while cracking jokes and listening to music. Just breathing in each other's presence while working on the assignments that would lead us to our future.
My roommate had never seen snow, and when my friends in New York got their first snow before we did, they all—unprompted—separately sent me videos to show to her. These small moments were the ones I learned to appreciate the most this year.
Thanksgiving break rolled around, and my lit teacher stopped class to invite every student to his home for dinner if they were staying in the dorms for break. He picked them up on his own time and made options for dietary restrictions, telling them to bring games to play with his young children.
The first book launch I had was attended by my friends and writing teacher, all of them showing up and telling me they were proud even if the event was not of interest to them, they all came anyway.
I learned what it feels like to care about another person so much that just holding hands with them sends butterflies racing through my stomach, understanding what it means to not be able to hold back a smile at a text message from them.
I had a movie Christmas, making gingerbread houses and coquito in the dorm kitchen while we listened and danced to music. We colored little pictures and everyone was happy. Everyone was happy.
My grandmother is the person I look up to most in the world. We are so alike in so many ways, especially in our general aloofness and tendency to joke in almost every other sentence. We are also alike in the way that we understand the world around us and appreciate it on an otherworldly level. When I came back from school, she told me with utmost certainty and sincerity that I looked the happiest she’d ever seen me when I was in college.
If you skipped over my memories, feel free to join back in here! This year was beautiful in a way like no other. I am living the life that seven-year-old me always wanted to and twelve-year-old me never thought I would. This year, I lived. This year, I came to love living.
Thank you, 2022.
Sincerely,
Leanna
P.S. — tell 2023 I say hello and that I can’t wait to see what they bring!
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